Happiness is what?

I know happiness, do you?

I have felt it when it rained, when the wind swept my hair and breath away, when i heard the phone ring after a expecting a call from a special someone, when my daughters kissed my cheek, when i stepped on the scale and was lighter, when i experienced momentary serenity or joy with meditation, yoga or.. 

I guess I know happiness, though it's always fleeting, always in a hurry to leave, in a rush to leave you wanting more. but i get what i can when i can. And what about you? do you ever feel you waste your days away when it's void of happiness? isn't it all about happiness? i want to know what makes life meaningful for others.

we drank to each other's health
eyes staring into eyes
wrapping a weathered shawl around bare shoulders
hey New York Gypsy Girl
don't shed no tears!
I wanted so bad to be imprinted onto that moment
onto the smell of stench the city gave
and the freedom it carried in its midnight breeze
and the impromptu music that could be heard up upon the rooftop
but it was not to be
you see
there are two roads ahead and you choose one and etc etc....

i wish i were a bird

that sat outside your window

on the lonely branch while it rained

i could look inside to see you flip through a book

or draw naked figures all night

if i were a bird

i would stick my beak to your window 

and watch you with apprehensive eyes

i would study your profile and your hands

and store away that image of you with me

as i flew away under the sorrowful rain.

I had a dream that someone frustrated me. Someone frustrated me so much that I wanted to scream at her and call her all kinds of names. She was being irrational and accusing me of things that made no sense. Yet in my dream, instead of unleashing my rage and anger at her, I consciously told myself to try to communicate with her calmly and with compassion. I started speaking to her in a calm manner while seething inside and explained to her that what she was saying made no sense and that it was her faulty way of looking at things and me that made her feel the way she did. She did not seem convinced and continued her accusations at me. However, it did not matter, I had calmed myself down and had reacted to her in a peaceful way without using harsh language and tone and without raising my voice. Though merely a dream, I am confident that it marks a new beginning in my way of approaching challenging situations and people.
خواب دیدم که کسی عذابم می دهد.اینقدر عذابم می دهد که دوست دارم سرش داد بکشم و به انواع و اقسام فحش ها را نثارش کنم.او عقل خود را از دست داده بود و من را به کارهایی متهم می کرد که هیچ مفهومی نداشت.همچنان در خواب به جای اینکه خشم و عصبانیتم را روی او خالی کنم آگاهانه به خود می گفتم که سعی کن تا با خونسردی و شفقت با او برخورد کنی.با اینکه در درون متلاطم بودم با حالت ملایمی با او صحبت کردم و به او گفتم که چیزهایی که می گوید بی اساس است و منطقی نیست.این دیدگاه اشتباه او نسبت به مسائل و شخص من است که سبب شده اینگونه رفتار کند.به نظر نمی رسید که متقاعد شده باشد و همچنان به اتهاماتش علیه من ادامه داد.با این حال مهم نبود! من خونسردی ام را حفظ کرده و توأم با آرامش و به دور از هر گونه زبان یا لحن تند و حتی بدون بلند کردن صدایم با او برخورد کردم. یک خواب وحشتناک بود وبس! مطمئنم که این باید شروع تازه ای در راه من برای دستیابی به موقعیت ها و افراد چالش بر انگیز و دشوار باشد
translated by Fereshteh Farahbod

(Persian text below)
I am not one to compliment someone constantly. I am not one to try to smile at every joke or so called "jokes" I hear. I am not one to say Golshifteh is a hero or a whore. She is an actress and a woman. Simply that. I am not one to say that "A Separation" is a masterpiece and that it deserves to win the Oscar. It is a good movie with some flaws. But I have seen better. Simply that. I am not one to accept conditional friendships. You can't tell me who to associate with, or where to place my allegiance. My own parents can't tell me that, let alone friends around me. If it hurts feelings, then so be it. I am me. Honest, harsh, sensitive, moody, loving and at times unreasonable. But with me, you get what you get. Not the farce that you see being played by so many people, especially the people of my own culture. Many of us put on masks, incessant compliments, constant "fadayat shavams" while not being able to wait for the moment we are away from that person to start gossiping and saying a thousand things that is wrong with them. And I am not one to say I am not guilty. Yes, I am. I have taken part in all of these things and more, but I am never happy that way. That is not my essence. And with some serious thinking and reflection, you will see that that is not your essence either. Simply that.
من از اونایی نیستم که بخوام یکریز از کسی تعریف کنم.من از اونایی نیستم که به هر جکی ـیا اون چیزی که اسمشو جک می ذارن ـ بخندم.من از اونایی نیستم که بگم "گلشیفته" یه قهرمانه یا یه روسپی!  اویک هنرپیشه و یک زنه. به همین سادگی! من از اونایی نیستم که بگم "جدایی نادر از سیمین یه شاهکاره و مستحق برنده شدن در اسکار.به نظر من فیلم خوبیه همراه با بعضی کاستی ها.  من از این بهترش رو هم دیدم.به همین راحتی! تو نمی تونی به من بگی که با کی نشست و برخاست کنم.حتی پدر و مادرم هم نمی تونن اینو بهم بگن چه برسه به دوستام. اگر این کسی رو آزار میده خب بده! من همینم. رو راست، تند، حال و بی حال، مهربان و بعضی وقت ها غیر منطقی اما با من از هر دست بدی از همون دست می گیری نه از اون نمایش هایی که بعضی بازی می کنند به خصوص مردمی با فرهنگ کشور من! بیشتر ما ماسکی رو صورتشون دارند با تعریف و تعارف های یکریز و "فدایت شوم" های پشت سر هم که حتی منتظر نمیشن تا یه قدم ازشون دور بشی تا شروع کنند به پشت سر گویی و هزار تا عیب و ایراد گرفتن ازت! از اونایی هم نیستم که بگم من بی گناهم.بله! من هم مقصرم .منم تو همچین کارایی و شاید بیشتر از این شرکت کردم.اما هیچوقت از این کار خوشحال نبودم چون ذات من اینجوری نیست و تو هم با یکم تفکر و تامل جدی می بینی که ذاتت اینجوری نیست! به همین سادگی
Translation by Fereshteh Farahbod

Last night, I finally watched "Midnight in Paris". The main character who is in love with the past, tired of the present and wondering how it would have been like to associate with the people that made history reminded me of myself. Artists, intellectuals, parties of 1920's Paris so beautifully portrayed in the movie. That is where I always want to be. Somewhere in the past, 20's, 30's, 60's, 70's. Somehow I think the past holds a magic and beauty that the present lacks. Then I wonder if it all comes from movies and books that glamorize the past and perhaps even the soundtrack in movies which intensifies that glamorization and romance! But watching the sets, the costumes and the make-up and demeanor of the 1920's Paris folks, I knew that there is absolutely no comparison between the way things were then and how things are now. Even the way people dress today and the music they listen to lacks class, style and beauty and you could not possibly say that it is a matter of nostalgia and romantic notions to see the 1920's Paris as one of the most beautiful and awe-inspiring historical times of the not-so recent past. I am in love with it. I devoured "Midnight in Paris" as if eating a delectable chocolate cake. Every scene captured my senses and made me wish that I was there. How I wish that I had been there! How I wish...
بالاخره دیشب فیلم "نیمه شب در پاریس" را تماشا کردم.شخصیت اصلی فیلم که فردی بود عاشق گذشته و خسته و دلزده از حال و اینکه چه می شد اگر می توانست با مردمی که تاریخ را ساخته اند در ارتباط باشد ،مرا یاد خودم انداخت. در این فیلم هنرمندان، روشنفکران و مهمانی هایی دهه ی 1920 پاریس به نحو بسیار زیبایی به تصویر کشیده شده اند و آنجا دقیقا همان جایی هست که من دلم می خواهد باشم.جایی در گذشته ، دهه ی 20، 30، 60 و 70.به نوعی فکر می کنم که گذشته سحر و جادو و زیبایی در خود داشت که اکنون فاقد آن است.بعد از خودم می پرسم که این کتاب ها یا فیلم ها هستند که گذشته را پر زرق و برق نشان می دهند و یا شاید موسیقی متن این فیلم ها باشد که این زرق و برق را پر رنگ تر جلوه می دهد! اما با تماشای دکورها، آداب و رسوم، نوع آرایش و ژست های مردم دهه ی 1920 پاریس به این نتیجه می رسم که هیچ تشابهی بین آنچه که در آن سال ها در آنجا بود و آنچه که اکنون هست وجود ندارد. حتی نوع لباسی که مردم امروز می پوشند و یا موسیقی که گوش می دهند فاقد کلاس و سبک و زیبایی است.به هیچ وجه نمی توانی بگویی که صرفا به لحاظ مفاهیم نوستالژیک و رمانتیک هست که پاریس سال 1920 را یکی از زیباترین و هیبت انگیز ترین دوران تاریخی از یک گذشته ی نه چندان نزدیک می بینی.من عاشقش شدم و فیلم "نیمه شب در پاریس" را همانند یک کیک شکلاتی دلپذیر بلعیدم! هر صحنه اش نظرم را جلب کرد و مرا واداشت تا آرزو کنم که کاش آنجا بودم.چقدر دوست داشتم که آنجا باشم...چقدر؟
Translation by Fereshteh Farahbod

having children means never having your old life back
nor your independence
nor the ability to do anything on a whim
nor the ability to set any kind of schedule for yourself.
having children means never being on your own again
and never having the freedom to make decisions on your own
everything you do is effected.
so for all the selfish people out there, or for the fiercely independent types, do yourself and the future children you might bear a favor
and don't have any.
just a suggestion.

Ahang-e Komakam Kon az akharin album man "Yek Rooz".

http://soundcloud.com/sepanlou/shahrzad-sepanlou-komakam-kon

And when I don't sing, I can only sit quietly and waste time.
Doing what I do on a part-time basis only, I see the emtpiness I feel at times when I am engaged in other daily activities. And I wonder about those who never get to do what they love. How much sadness and emptiness must they feel? Or maybe not.
In any case, any little distraction from regular life, is a welcome one. This weekend in SF, I get to sing at a reunion. I will sing a short set with a guitarist accompanying me. But that will be enough to refuel me for the next couple of weeks. We all want to do that makes us unafraid to confront life and death. Lucky are those that can live in that state of courage on a daily basis.

Got so much done today. It feels great. I've been procrastinating for the past several months and am now beginning to organize and catch up with everything from home organization to bills, doctors appointments, etc.... Maybe something is changing. Maybe some of my most negative, destructive thought patterns and processes which paralyzed me are taking a different shape.
As others around me stress about day to day things (well I get caught up in "those" quite a lot myself), I like to remind them and myself that problems and troubles will not go away permanently even if we are able to fix them for awhile. Eventually some other unpleasant event will replace those troubles just as good and exciting things come and go and come back again. And such is the cycle of life. So why, seriously why, be stuck in the past or the future, when the present is all we have?
Yet after the past couple of years, I still ask myself if I have grown and matured more than ever. After all in less than a month, I will have another birthday and I should be wise by now or at least be more able to stay in the moment than before. Wouldn't you say?
I wonder what troubles and tribulations wait for me around the corner. But come what may, I will try as best as I can to surrender to the good and bad in life.